The summer I turned 20 I decided that I had to do something about my weight. The previous Christmas I realized that my weight and health were out of control and that if I didn't do something about it I was headed for a life of misery and self loathing. So, when school finished I moved to my grandparents for the summer with a goal, my focus was to lose weight. I spent the summer on Weight Watchers and using a DVD called Walk Away The Pounds. Within 3 months my life was forever changed.
Before I started Weight Watchers and Walk Away the Pounds I weighed 175 lbs. I am 5'5", which means that my Body Mass Index, or BMI (I'll talk about this calculation, and why it's not really my "go to" anymore,in another blog post)was 29.1. I was overweight, nearing obese range. I was unhealthy, unhappy and unaware of just how badly I was treating myself. I'm not sure why or when exactly something clicked inside of me but I am so thankful it did.
So I spent three months focused on my weight loss. And within 3 months I lost over 30 pounds. I was ecstatic. None of my clothes fit and I felt amazing and proud. I received more compliments in the following months than I had in the previous 20 years combined. I was being called "hot" and "beautiful" instead of just "cute" or "sweet". There was no denying that my life had across the board changed.
Now, while there were so many wonderful things about losing 30 pounds there were some side affects that I hadn't planned on. I feel like many people aren't prepared for some of the things that follow massive weight loss and so I would like to focus on openly sharing those experiences with you rather that all the "good things" because those are the things you know come.
First, I had changed my body but my self perception hadn't followed. I had gone from 175 lbs or a size 11/13 to a 140 lbs and a 6 but while the world saw a different person I didn't. It took me a very long time to see the new me. And to be honest I still struggle with seeing myself as I really am. I feel as though I am much bigger than I am. I struggle with this all the time and it has lead me to some very harmful/self destructive tendency's in the past.
Second, a lot more than my size changed when I dropped all that weight so fast. I lost over 30 pounds in 3 months and it triggered my depression for the first time. I'm not exactly sure why this happened but I have few ideas, and believe it's probably a combination of all of them.
1. Losing that much weight that quickly put my body in shock. I felt like my body chemistry was shaken up. I felt like my body had changed but so had my brain.
2. I am an emotional eater/I find comfort from eating and when I was on a strict diet I lost the major coping mechanism I had for so long relied on to get me through my days.
3. Weighing less didn't resolve all my problems. In fact it made my other problems stand out even more because I had 30 pounds lifted from me which made all my other problems 30 pounds closer and no less resolved.
Finally, it took a while for my body to take it's new shape. Over the next two years it rearranged itself and I absolutely struggled with fluctuations. I had to learn to readjust to my readjusting new body.
Over the past 6 years my health and weight has continued to be an uphill battle. I've had to learn maintenance however with my dysfunctional relationship with food I have on occasion found myself toeing on the thin line of healthy maintenance and eating disorders(which is yet another blog for another time).
Now, even with the negatives and challenges, losing weight was the best thing I've ever done for myself. Every year, day, moment I'm learning more and more about myself and who I want to be. With that comes a desire for me to be the healthiest, most fit version of myself I can be. I have continued to struggle with my weight over the last 6 years for sure but I'm learning from the struggles. I've made mistakes in my health and fitness over the past 6 years but I'm learning that the difficulties I encounter with weight, body perception, overall wellness, all stem from issues go much deeper than I realized ... and with this new blog of mine will be an opportunity for me to share with the world, what I've learned, the wisdom I now have and the knowledge I've gained.
Before I started Weight Watchers and Walk Away the Pounds I weighed 175 lbs. I am 5'5", which means that my Body Mass Index, or BMI (I'll talk about this calculation, and why it's not really my "go to" anymore,in another blog post)was 29.1. I was overweight, nearing obese range. I was unhealthy, unhappy and unaware of just how badly I was treating myself. I'm not sure why or when exactly something clicked inside of me but I am so thankful it did.
So I spent three months focused on my weight loss. And within 3 months I lost over 30 pounds. I was ecstatic. None of my clothes fit and I felt amazing and proud. I received more compliments in the following months than I had in the previous 20 years combined. I was being called "hot" and "beautiful" instead of just "cute" or "sweet". There was no denying that my life had across the board changed.
Now, while there were so many wonderful things about losing 30 pounds there were some side affects that I hadn't planned on. I feel like many people aren't prepared for some of the things that follow massive weight loss and so I would like to focus on openly sharing those experiences with you rather that all the "good things" because those are the things you know come.
First, I had changed my body but my self perception hadn't followed. I had gone from 175 lbs or a size 11/13 to a 140 lbs and a 6 but while the world saw a different person I didn't. It took me a very long time to see the new me. And to be honest I still struggle with seeing myself as I really am. I feel as though I am much bigger than I am. I struggle with this all the time and it has lead me to some very harmful/self destructive tendency's in the past.
Second, a lot more than my size changed when I dropped all that weight so fast. I lost over 30 pounds in 3 months and it triggered my depression for the first time. I'm not exactly sure why this happened but I have few ideas, and believe it's probably a combination of all of them.
1. Losing that much weight that quickly put my body in shock. I felt like my body chemistry was shaken up. I felt like my body had changed but so had my brain.
2. I am an emotional eater/I find comfort from eating and when I was on a strict diet I lost the major coping mechanism I had for so long relied on to get me through my days.
3. Weighing less didn't resolve all my problems. In fact it made my other problems stand out even more because I had 30 pounds lifted from me which made all my other problems 30 pounds closer and no less resolved.
Finally, it took a while for my body to take it's new shape. Over the next two years it rearranged itself and I absolutely struggled with fluctuations. I had to learn to readjust to my readjusting new body.
Over the past 6 years my health and weight has continued to be an uphill battle. I've had to learn maintenance however with my dysfunctional relationship with food I have on occasion found myself toeing on the thin line of healthy maintenance and eating disorders(which is yet another blog for another time).
Now, even with the negatives and challenges, losing weight was the best thing I've ever done for myself. Every year, day, moment I'm learning more and more about myself and who I want to be. With that comes a desire for me to be the healthiest, most fit version of myself I can be. I have continued to struggle with my weight over the last 6 years for sure but I'm learning from the struggles. I've made mistakes in my health and fitness over the past 6 years but I'm learning that the difficulties I encounter with weight, body perception, overall wellness, all stem from issues go much deeper than I realized ... and with this new blog of mine will be an opportunity for me to share with the world, what I've learned, the wisdom I now have and the knowledge I've gained.
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