Self Sabotage

Tonight I met a friend of mine for tea.  We sat and talked for hours about a multitude of topics.  At one point we were discussing our weight, body image and eventually the conversation turned to how I have realized that I self sabotage myself when it comes to health, looks and weight.  After the two of us discussed my realization I determined that this could be a very important topic to discuss on this blog. So here it goes....

Recently I've been really into Jillian Michael's, she is one of the trainers from The Biggest Loser.  She has a podcast which I listen to as much as possible, she is the author of many books which I adore.  I will likely discuss her in further posts but for now I would like to be very specific in one of my favorite things about her.  She challenges her followers to ask themselves forms of "why not me?" when it comes to life. 

I love that she has taught me to ask myself that question every day.  If people can life in joy, then why can't I?  If people can be healthy, then why not me too?  If someone is going to be stunning, why shouldn't I be one of those stunning people? 

Since I've begun asking myself questions like these the one that is always at the front of my mind is: someone has to be gorgeous, and healthy with a rockin' body... so why not me? , and after giving it a lot of thought, the reason that the gorgeous, healthy girl with a rockin' body has never been me, isn't because I'm not beautiful or capable of having a body I truly love, the reason is that I have never allowed myself to get past a certain amount of gorgeous, healthy or fit, I have a level I allow myself to get to and when I recognize I'm going to progress past it, I immediately stop what I've been doing and begin to self sabotage. 

The truth is that every body I've had from this point back as been within my comfort zone.  The truth is that if I got anymore fit or "sexy" or got any more attention that I do now, I would be incredibly uncomfortable.  I would feel exposed. I would feel like a fraud.  I would feel like I wasn't me.  So I settle for my comfort zone and make sure I stay there even if it means sleeping in instead of a morning run or turning to bulk candy after successfully steering clear of sweets for weeks.

I think that deep down I have the fear that if I ever got to a place where I was considered "the gorgeous, healthy girl with the rockin' body" I would always doubt that men were seeing me for me, that they'd be too focused on the wrapping and not concerned with what I truly have to offer: a kind heart, a powerful spirit, a beautiful mind.

When I realized that I only ever let myself be so fit, so healthy, so "beautiful" I began to seek the reasons for this.  I came up with two.... actually three.

One.  About six years and 35 pounds ago I met a guy.  He's really loving and fantastic but he never really saw me for the woman I am, because he didn't see past my excess weight.  However, once I dropped 35 pounds he was all over me.  Trying to date me, telling me how beautiful I am,  telling me how perfect he thought we could be together.  "Bullshit" I thought. "Bullshit. You don't like me, you like my body"  He had never really SEEN me until I was 35 pounds lighter.  It made me frustrated. Nothing had changed except my dress size.  My heart was still loving, my soul still fierce.  Immediate walls went up. I know that guy would be crazy about me today if I had let him be, but he would have been crazy about me because he liked the way I looked, and everything else was something he could take or leave.  It makes think, if I get thinner, and "more attractive" won't it only be more difficult to weed out guys?

On the flip side...

Two. A couple years ago a guy told me that he remembers seeing me for the first time and recalled that to him I was "enchantingly attractive".  I know when he saw me for the first time, and if in that time of my life he can use any form of enchanting to describe me, or even recall noticing me at all it surely means that he immediately saw more than my looks, he saw my spirit.  His confession ensured me that I don't have to be considered stunning or fit to be truly seen... however, it has also kept me from breaking out of my body comfort zone because it created an idea that I can truly only trust a guy and his attraction to me if he's seen me at my worst.


Finally, the third reason I only ever let myself be so fit, so healthy, so "beautiful" is fear.  There. I said it.  I'm afraid.  I'm afraid of walking in a room and having people notice me.  I'm uncomfortable with the idea of being approached by handsome men.  I'm afraid of succeeding temporarily with being fit and beautiful, then failing when I'm unable to maintain it.  Fear that men won't see me for who I really am, or that they must know me at my worst to truly see me is only the tip of the iceberg.  I am so afraid of myself, of my power and of strength, and of the weakness that inevitably always follows.  I am terrified of being known as the fit, gorgeous girl, then one day waking up and realizing that a few months of emotional ups and downs, or weeks of skipped workouts has left me right back where I started.  I am afraid of being beautiful, and noticed then losing it so instead I stay in my comfort zone of "good enough"... and of "I only let myself get so far."

The talk of self sabotage is very scary. It makes me feel weak and irrational,but I have to believe that I'm not alone in my thoughts and feelings.  I can't be the only one who chooses to forfite instead of risking a loss. I can't be the only one who wants to break free of my doubts and concerns but isn't sure how to.  I want so badly to escape my comfort zone.  I want to ask "why not me!?"  to be the next gorgeous, fit, healthy girl... the girl I deep down desire to be and then have the courage and strength to push aside all my doubts and become that girl.

My Story

The summer I turned 20 I decided that I had to do something about my weight. The previous Christmas I realized that my weight and health were out of control and that if I didn't do something about it I was headed for a life of misery and self loathing. So, when school finished I moved to my grandparents for the summer with a goal, my focus was to lose weight. I spent the summer on Weight Watchers and using a DVD called Walk Away The Pounds.  Within 3 months my life was forever changed.

Before I started Weight Watchers and Walk Away the Pounds I weighed 175 lbs.  I am 5'5", which means that my Body Mass Index, or BMI (I'll talk about this calculation, and why it's not really my "go to" anymore,in another blog post)was 29.1.  I was overweight, nearing obese range.  I was unhealthy, unhappy and unaware of just how badly I was treating myself.  I'm not sure why or when exactly something clicked inside of me but I am so thankful it did.

So I spent three months focused on my weight loss. And within 3 months I lost over 30 pounds. I was ecstatic. None of my clothes fit and I felt amazing and proud. I received more compliments in the following months than I had in the previous 20 years combined.  I was being called "hot" and "beautiful" instead of just "cute" or "sweet".  There was no denying that my life had across the board changed. 

Now, while there were so many wonderful things about losing 30 pounds there were some side affects that I hadn't planned on. I feel like many people aren't prepared for some of the things that follow massive weight loss and so I would like to focus on openly sharing those experiences with you rather that all the "good things" because those are the things you know come.

First, I had changed my body but my self perception hadn't followed. I had gone from 175 lbs or a size 11/13 to a 140 lbs and a 6 but while the world saw a different person I didn't.  It took me a very long time to see the new me.  And to be honest I still struggle with seeing myself as I really am.  I feel as though I am much bigger than I am.  I struggle with this all the time and it has lead me to some very harmful/self destructive tendency's in the past.

Second, a lot more than my size changed when I dropped all that weight so fast.  I lost over 30 pounds in 3 months and it triggered my depression for the first time. I'm not exactly sure why this happened but I have few ideas, and believe it's probably a combination of all of them. 

1. Losing that much weight that quickly put my body in shock.  I felt like my body chemistry was shaken up.  I felt like my body had changed but so had my brain.

2. I am an emotional eater/I find comfort from eating and when I was on a strict diet I lost the major coping mechanism I had for so long relied on to get me through my days.

3. Weighing less didn't resolve all my problems. In fact it made my other problems stand out even more because I had 30 pounds lifted from me which made all my other problems 30 pounds closer and no less resolved.

Finally, it took a while for my body to take it's new shape. Over the next two years it rearranged itself and I absolutely struggled with fluctuations. I had to learn to readjust to my readjusting new body.

Over the past 6 years my health and weight has continued to be an uphill battle. I've had to learn maintenance  however with my dysfunctional relationship with food I have on occasion found myself toeing on the thin line of healthy maintenance and eating disorders(which is yet another blog for another time). 

Now, even with the negatives and challenges, losing weight was the best thing I've ever done for myself. Every year, day, moment I'm learning more and more about myself and who I want to be. With that comes a desire for me to be the healthiest, most fit version of myself I can be.  I have continued to struggle with my weight over the last 6 years for sure but I'm learning from the struggles.  I've made mistakes in my health and fitness over the past 6 years but I'm learning that the difficulties I encounter with weight, body perception, overall wellness, all stem from issues go much deeper than I realized ... and with this new blog of mine will be an opportunity for me to share with the world, what I've learned, the wisdom I now have and the knowledge I've gained.

A New Kind Of Blog

I started my original blog months ago now.  To my surprise I've actually continued it and have a small following. I wasn't sure what my original blog would be but it has become a place where I openly share my heart to the world. Where I pour out my hurts, frustrations and heartaches. I am so thankful I started the blog, it has given me an outlet to express thoughts and feelings which I otherwise may have kept bottled up.  It has been a way to connect with people around the world.  It has been a source of love and connection through those who have read my words, thanked me for my transparency, then told me their own similar stories.  While I have no plans on ending the blog "living a joy filled life" I do feel like it only focuses on a single area of my life.  My life is so much more than dating, love and heartache.  So I have decided to expand my blogging to another area, one which I am very passionate about health. I want to share my story and struggle with health, fitness and food.  I am no doctor, no nutritionist, no fitness expert.  I am simply a girl with a story and a passion for being the healthiest, happiest version of "me" I can be. I'm not sure if my health/fitness/food: story, struggles, insight and opinions are of any interest to anyone but if by chance they are here we go!